Seven Ways Superman Defeats Batman

Superman defeats BatmanThere’s going to be a Superman vs Batman movie soon. This is strange, since we all know that SUPERMAN defeats BATMAN every single time no matter what I’m not even kidding.

Look, there are a lot of ways that Superman takes down Batman on your average encounter. The real struggle of this movie is going to be in making this conflict seem even remotely close.

I’m not saying Batman isn’t awesome. He’s great. I mean, nipple armor aside, Batman is pretty badass. And you better not underestimate his super power. I mean, Super Inhuman Wealth is not only incredibly powerful in the comic books, but also in real life.

Don’t believe me? Ok, here are some ways that…

Superman Defeats Batman

  1. Superman grabs Batman by the ankle and promptly delivers him to the moon.
  2. Flying around the Earth really fast, Superman travels back in time and prevents young Bruce Wayne’s parents from getting murdered.
  3. Superman buries Batman up to his neck at the beach using precision eyebeams and then kicks sand at his face.
  4. I don’t know, punching, I guess?
  5. Clark Kent writes a scathing blog about how dressing up like a bat is a metaphor for repressed desire for vampire romance.
  6. Superman allows Batman to lock him up in Arkham Asylum, then immediately escapes. Does this over and over again until Batman collapses in a pile of stress ulcers and nerves.
  7. Superman realizes that bats are actually GOOD because they eat mosquitoes. Leaves Batman alone.

Disagree? That’s fine! Tell me all about it in the comments. Or on Twitter. Really, all that matters is that Wonder Woman would probably defeat either of them individually and would definitely defeat them if the two bros tried to team up.

Addendum: Ok, now that I think about it, Batman might bake a giant lead-lined cake and jump out of it at Superman. That COULD happen. I don’t think it’s likely with the current iteration of Batman, but I see a lot of potential in the strategy.

Second Addendum: Please don’t bake lead-lined cakes.

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