Owning Houseplants: How Not to Kill Them

plantKeeping houseplants alive can be hard. You need the right combination of water, sunlight, and cat repellant to really get things right, but there are a few things you can do to help.

  • Different plants need different kinds of fertilizer. Make sure you have violet food, orchid food, or human blood based on the needs of your particular plant.
  • To avoid salt buildup, make sure that when you water your plants you keep adding water until it starts draining freely onto the carpet. This works even better if it can hit expensive antique furniture on the way down.
  • It’s been shown that swearing at your plants helps them grow. They love all that CO2. Try pretending like they’re your boss or that guy on the bus.
  • Try not to punch any houseplant that is not in your weight class. Avoid punching cacti of any size.
  • Water your plants with water most of the time. Coke, beer, and piss are fine every once in a while, but not every single weekend.
  • If you don’t know whether or not your new plant is poisonous to cats, keep it in a separate room with your least-loved cat. You know, the old one that bites people. If that old bastard survives a week with the new plant, then it’s probably ok for the general feline population and your children.
  • Insects can be a problem, but insecticides are dangerous. Consider colonizing your home with voracious wolf spiders instead. They’re so cute.
  • Adorable and fuzzy insect control
    Adorable, fuzzy insect control

    Stop. Just stop what you’re doing. Whatever it is, it isn’t working. Look at that thing. It’s dying. What is wrong with you?

  • Did you know that they make fake plants that are super realistic?
  • Houseplants are actually vindictive asshats. Maybe it liked living in the clearance section of Home Depot and it’s dying now just to spite you.
  • Do you like sandwiches? I like sandwiches. I bet plants love sandwiches, too. Just cram that thing down in the dirt. It’ll be fine. They call that composting.
  • I’m still a little creeped out about that spider thing.
  • The most important thing to know is that plants are completely replaceable. Kill one? Guess what, you can have another one there by Tuesday that looks just the same. Experiment with the locations in your house to find something that thrives in each microclimate. It’s kinda fun to see what you can live where and there’s no shame in getting rid of a plant that doesn’t thrive. Do not use this same logic on kids or pets.

Houseplants are a great way to bring beauty and life into your home. Even if you don’t have great light or a lot of spare time, there are plants that will survive your harsh rule. Go buy a plant before the harsh winter sets in. You’ll be happy to have a small reminder that the world is not a cold, dead wasteland.

Enjoyed this blog? Take a look at my novel Justice in an Age of Metal and Men and novella Grit and Grace. Maybe stay away if you can’t stand sci-fi westerns or the idea of an independent Texas where technology runs rampant and sheriffs struggle to maintain the law. Grit and Grace is available through Kindle Unlimited and the Kindle Lending Library now, too, so point your readers that way for a free look at my books.

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