Bags Full of Bitcoins: 10 Things You MUST Know About Bitcoins


Pay attention, folks. This is the future knocking at the door. It’s the future of money. You’re going to want it, too, because without a handful of bitcoins and a multi-pass, you’re not going to be getting very far. This future is coming fast. They’re mining bitcoins faster than California gold and once this rush hits you’re going to want to be damn sure you’re in on it.

It’s a good thing I’m here for you.

What makes me qualified to be your bitcoin sherpa in the dangerous wilds of the crypto-mountains? Well, I watched a video for one thing. Also, I read some papers on how the whole thing works. Skimmed, actually.

Since I love you all so much, though, I’ve boiled it down to ten things you need to know about Bitcoin.

  1. Bitcoins are not backed by gold, which makes them completely worthless much in the same way as Monopoly money and the American dollar.
  2. Since bitcoins are a cryptocurrency, a future with bitcoins is a future ruled by the Puzzle Master, Will Shortz.
  3. You can buy whatever you want with bitcoin, from sleek futuristic sunglasses to tight faux-leather to wetware cybernetic implants.
  4. The real innovation behind bitcoin is the decentralized transactions. They make it almost impossible to detect the siphoning of wealth to secret cabals.
  5. Bitcoins are created in a process called mining, which also serves to verify those distributed transactions. Most of the mining is done by computers, so that’s one more job the robots are taking from us.
  6. Since bitcoins are in a regulation gray area, it’s much easier to use them to buy things like drugs or the American Presidency.
  7. Laundering bitcoins is a thing, but you probably don’t want to do it. Regulatory gray areas attract lawyers. Lots of them.
  8. Bitcoins are totally, seriously not a way for hackers to take over the world and don’t even watch The Net because that just makes hackers look bad and hackers are quite nice.
  9. Decentralizing currency will have a serious impact on the future of heist movies. All future heists will either need to take place in Vegas or be remakes of Sneakers.
  10. So that we don’t need to live in a cashless society, physical bitcoins will be minted out of chocolate and covered in a fake gold foil.


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